What Matters Most

Remembering Baby Lexie Elisabeth

I have made references a few times on my blog about loss, suffering and feeling that life can be so unfair.  Some of these moments I have shared with you, others I have not.  But since my sister in law has opened up and told her story, I wanted to take a minute to remember and honor my niece Lexie Elisabeth McKenna.  Although I was never able to meet her, she will forever be in my heart.

I will never forget the day Sean and Prita took their girls to the doctor to find out the gender of their third baby.  This was such an exciting day, almost like Christmas Eve as Prita explains. We spent the week before in Arizona playing the guessing game.  Boy? Girl? Were we so happy to be having our third children only three months apart.  After all, Kennedy and Roderick were five months, Mckenna and Mara four months to the day and these babies only three.  How special to share this with experience one of my best friends for the third time.  My guess? GIRL!

I knew it! It was in fact, A BABY GIRL!  A precious sister for Kennedy and Mara.  Only with this news came a devastating realization- their baby girl had a severe heart defect.  We are not just talking about a hole or two in the heart.  She had those too.  Little Lexie was missing the whole left side of her heart.  

You know, you hear about these things happening to people.  You hear the story and your heart breaks for them.  But watching it happen to people you love, to your own family, to your brother, his wife and their little girls is beyond devastating.   

I will never ever forget the moment Sean called to tell me.  I waited and waited and waited for that text, that call to reveal the gender.  The words "something is wrong with her heart" will forever be ingrained in my mind.  I remember crying, asking questions, calling Dr. Case and wondering WHY GOD, WHY THEM?

I am not going to go into a lot of details here, as the story of Lexie is not mine to share.  But I would highly suggest reading Prita's blog, as she does an amazing job expressing her emotions, remembering her daughter and explaining how she is trying to cope without her third child.

I think I have done my very best to be of support to Sean, Prita, Kennedy and Mara.  There really are no words I could say that would take away the pain they felt.  For weeks, it was all I could think about myself.  I cried so much for them, my kids asked me constantly if I was sad… even when I wasn't.   I cried at home, I cried in the car, I cried at the store.  I knew if this was so painful for me, it had to be a million times more painful to them.  

Being pregnant while this happened was incredibly hard for both Prita and myself. It was as though I felt guilty that I had a healthy baby and she didn't.  I wanted to change that for them and for a while, I wished I wasn't pregnant at all.  I wanted to hide my belly.  I didn't want to talk about my baby.  It was hard to be excited about a new family member coming into this world when another had to leave it.  I questioned God and I looked for reasons why He chose them.  I tell myself that Lexie was able to serve her purpose in 21 short weeks.  The rest of us, well, we just have more work to do.

Lexie's due date was October 10th.  While we mourn what could have been, I am so thankful she is in heaven.  I am thankful she never had to suffer and that he has a WHOLE heart again.  The family is working hard to "accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be." I know that moving forward is necessary and that time is slowly but surely healing the wounds of a very broken heart.  I also know they have a beautiful family with one shining star.

Lexie Elisabeth McKenna, you are loved beyond words.  You will never be forgotten and you will ALWAYS be in our hearts.